What the books don’t say…

I have been a mum of three for just over two months now… its going well, we are all still alive! After a mum lunch today and a conversation about baby books it got me a’thinking, when I was first pregnant 6 years ago (OMG!) I don’t think there was as big a focus on baby books and mum blogs as there is now, I feel like now you are completely bombarded with information and ‘insta’ pics on impending motherhood and the few weeks post baby exit. So when I was preggo I read/scanned the obligatory ‘What to Expect When Your Expecting’ although felt that naivety was my friend going into labour! I can’t help however thinking that in hindsight and three babies later they missed a few things out…

Pre Baby
You know, when your excited, tired and scared all at the same time. The clothes are neatly folded in the drawers with the baby soap to make them smell all baby. The nappies and wipes have a neat box to be stored in and the nappy bin is ready and lined.

The Pillow
In all baby books past and present I’m sure they will mention the pillow, in later pregnancy this pillow is a godsend and will help
your ever growing body get comfortable enough to get some sleep (that is until you need to wee for the 3
rd time that night) and they really are useful. What they don’t mention in the baby book is that this said pillow will become your best friend, your lover, your safety crutch, it will replace your husband and once that baby comes out you will not want to let it go. It will become a sore point between you and your partner and he will wonder ‘why’ ‘oh why’ ‘is that bloody pillow between us still’ So be warned you may gave a little human but you will mourn the best pillow you have ever had…until the next time!!!

Post Baby
You know, when your excited, tired and scared all at the same time. You’re not sure what time, let alone day it is, every person on your street has seen, your boobs, your belly and nothing but your PJ’s for at least a month. The baby clothes are all over the house as you never imagined that someone so small could produce so much washing, the soap has bloody disappeared (probably eaten by the toddler) you will never be able to find wipes when you need them and you have a nappy pile in at least three locations around the house.

1.       The Rouge Smell
Your sense of smell goes into overdrive and everytime you leave the house you will be able to smell some sort of bloodily fluid – sick on the shoulder is a winner!

2.       The Ungrateful Baby
You will spend money on classes to take said newborn to, they will sleep or cry their way through a whole session and you will feel exhausted due to all the ‘im ok, im so sorry, he’s usually really good’ smiles you will dish out. FYI no one is bothered as much as you – most other mums are just so pleased it’s not them this time!

3.       The Opinions
Everyone will have an opinion, people will ask, How are you feeding? Are they sleeping? How much do they weigh? Are they good? Don’t worry this will subside – no one asks me how I feed my 6 year old anymore?! Just smile and nod.

4.       When you Breastfeed you don’t have periods
THIS IS A LIE… ok so I could have googled it, assumptions can leave you disappointed.

5.       The Lazy’s
You will find an all new love and appreciation for lazy clothes, the elasticated waistband of dreams. These will be on as soon as you know you’re not leaving the house again that day… 10am? 5pm?

6.       Bath Toys
Ok so this comes a little later but they don’t not prepare you for the level of unnecessary hatred you will feel towards the bath toys… the manky old water, the slimy figures and the fact that you too will bathe with Peppa Pigs boat.

7.       Bedtime Avoidance
This may include but not be limited to, I’m thirsty, I need a drink, I need a wee, I’m scared of the dark, my teddy is sad, I had a bad dream (not actually been to sleep) my legs are dead, my arms are dead, my belly hurts, I need a poo, teddy needs a poo, I’m just not tired (2 mins later fast asleep!)

8.       The Post bedtime tidy up
You may think that your evening will begin as soon as the little cherubs are tucked into bed… wrong. Now begineth the nuclear clean up of what seems like every bloody toy known to man off the floor. The pasta sauce off the table and the mornings rouge cherios off the floor… and then relax(ish)

And last but not least…
   The Baby Daddy
The mystical creature will wonder at the gift you have given him, for at least a week. He will then say really useful things like the words literally just shouted at me by Dan from the other room…

“Did you know that having sex once a week slows down the aging process”

In my opinion sex gives you children, we have three and I’m pretty sure they have definitely sped up my aging process!

The Three Omigos
aka Little G the boob magnet, Little Miss S the diva and Master R the loveable rouge


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